Reading through my previous posts, I realised that I haven’t wrote about what triggered me to start writing things down. I’ll include an update on my current status in the end of this post.
Some time ago, I got the idea that the internet could be a good place for me to get more comfortable socialising. I ended up writing with a girl my age, let’s call her B. Rather early in the conversation, I told her that I have trust issues, especially towards women who I’m interested in, and also that I was a virgin. She seemed really understanding and I actually started opening a bit up.
She claimed to be a psychology student, and she seemed really set on showing me, that I could actually trust her. As things progressed, I actually started trusting her, and we talked about meeting. She lived not very far from me, and one day, she asked if I wanted to visit in a couple of days. I said yes, and we agreed to find out the time on the day.
The day arrived and I wrote and asked her at what time I should come over, and I got no response. We had mostly communicated using Skype, and about half an hour later I noticed, that she had blocked me the instant I wrote.
I think it’s only natural that I completely broke down because of this. I physically started shivering, and then I started crying like I haven’t done since I was a small child. I ended up in bed crying for 40 minutes. I can still feel the cold which hit me that day, and I’ve noticed that I’ve since been much more cynical. Being confirmed in such a way that I was right in not trusting people is hard.
At any rate, I feel this experience has made this entire dating thing much harder for me.
On to the update, the girl I’ve been writing with a lot, let’s also give her a name, F, since I keep referring to her anyway, and I still haven’t physically met. We were supposed to meet some days ago, but she got sick. Once again, I’m fighting my inner cynic in whether or not she’s lying to me.
On one hand, the story checks out, she had mentioned that she was tired the days up to, and I can’t really see why she would keep writing with me, I think we’re past 2000 messages at this point, if she has no interest in actually meeting me. On the other hand, it’s starting to get really fishy. For what it’s worth, we talked about meeting today, but I’ve already told her that it’s fine that she’s cancelling.
I really don’t know what to think of the situation. I would really like to meet her, but I’m starting to fear that we’ve both ended up building an image of each other which won’t hold up to the actual person.
We also sort of have a hard time limit, since in a couple of weeks, we will physically be very far apart for several months due to vacations and other stuff, and I’m starting to doubt that it’s smart meeting so shortly before we’ll have to break it off.
I feel quite emotionally invested, but I have no clue on how I will actually react if we end up meeting. I do however know, that if we keep our current situation going until then, I’ll end up in a kinda limbo state, which I really don’t want to spend my entire summer in, since this is pretty much the only time of year where I would actually be able to meet women physically.
Lastly, she flat out asked me if I was a virgin, which I confirmed. I don’t think I handled the confrontation very well, but she said it was a non issue for her. I find that rather hard to believe, and I do feel like our conversations have changed since. I’ve certainly become a lot more shy, which is probably not a good thing.
Additionally, I was contacted by another girl, E, on a dating site. We wrote a bit, and I feel like I kinda liked here but wasn’t really sure. She asked if I wanted to go on a date, which I said yes to. It felt kinda weird since I was writing with F at the same time, but I figured that people can’t really expect you only to write with one person, it’s not like I was physically seeing anyone. A day or so after, E asked me if I was writing with anyone else, and I told her that I was writing with F also. E thanked me for my honesty but said that she felt it was weird, and that I should chose one of them. I wrote to her, that in that case I would choose F, and that I was really sorry if she felt that I had been falsely leading her on. She hasn’t replied to that, and probably wont, so I guess she’s mad a me.
This scares me quite a lot, since I honestly don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong, and yet I’ve ended up hurting a person who seemed really nice. I’m starting to feel that dating is only good for hurting people, and maybe I’m just not cut out of this.