Long time no see

Been a long time since I lasted posted. Looking back at my previous posts, I feel like I’ve become a different person. Sadly, not to the better.

I guess it’s about half a year ago that I gave up. I just couldn’t take the constant denials any more. I felt that I had grown cold inside. Back then, I hoped that I would return to my “old self”. Half a year later, this has not happened.

On the other hand, I’ve sort of resigned myself to this life. In a lot of ways I can’t complain. I earn enough money that I don’t have to worry about it, I got a nice job and a safe existence. I guess no life is perfect, but it’s better to try and feel happy about what you have, than worry about what you’re missing.

On showing interest

I been told countless times that I seem uninterested in the girls I meet. This is mainly because I dislike staring, but also because I never give people compliments. I dug up an old memory which might explain the second part.

The only time I actually remember giving a compliment ‘unprovoked’, I was probably around 11-12 years old. I passed a group of girls from my class, and overheard one of them complaining about looking too young. I think my intention was to make her feel better about this, but I might have worded it badly. At least she snapped an insult right back in my face, striking at some of my insecurities. After I walked past them, I heard one of the other girls tell her, that it was a good job and that I really deserved that.

I wasn’t trying to hit on her, and I wasn’t interested in her, I just wanted to be friendly. Since then, I can’t remember ever having given a friendly compliment. I’ve always felt that it was wiser just to keep my mouth shot.

Love?

So I’ve been thinking about love recently, mostly due to a discussion I stumbled upon online, on the difference between love and infatuation, and how often people had been in either state. Reading the “collective” agreement on the two feelings, it came as no surprise that I’ve never been in love. What did actually surprise me a little was, that apparently I’ve also never been infatuated with anyone. While I’ve felt sexual attraction to girls, I’ve never felt a need to be around a specific person, smell them and touch them and other things which people mentioned. It scares me a little that I’m so different from everybody else.

On the subject of love, I guess I can’t say I’ve never felt love, since I do think I have feelings for my family members. One of my siblings has children, and I like to think, that I would do pretty much anything for them. We live pretty far apart, but I could easily make a larger effort to keep the contact. I get the feeling that their parents would like me to, but I can’t shake the feeling that I shouldn’t get involved, since I’m not the best role model for a young child. I have a pretty cynical world view, and I would hate to ruin their childish beliefs and ideals.
I sometimes wonder if I should tell their parents, or my parents, but we’ve never really talked about feelings in my family, and I feel like it would be kind of a bomb shell to throw into the mix.

Even more on the subject of love, I’ve been thinking about what I would want from a relationship. This is a question I’ve been asked a few times, and have never been able to answer. I still can’t really, but I think I want a lot less than most other people. The thought of intimacy scares me quite a bit, both physical and emotional. I suppose people usually figure this out in their teens and early twenties. I’ve always been a natural loner, and I fear that if I was ever to enter into a relationship, this and that fact that I’m very set in my ways of never having to be responsible to anyone can not be an non-issue. I routinely shut myself off from the world for instance, as in as little communication with other humans as possible for several days. There is a phrase that if you love somebody, you should let them go, and I don’t feel that I would be able to enter into a relationship with good conscience.

I feel like adding a musical piece to this. If someone should venture to listen to it, I should warn, that it’s metal and there are some not so nice words here and there. The lyric is pretty clean though.

I’ve succeeded, ish.

Recently I found myself in a social setting with some friends. We ran into a group of girls, and one of them kept asking me to dance, touching me and saying I was sweet. I of course found this annoying, since I’d already told her I didn’t dance, don’t like being touched and she had no basis for knowing whether I’m sweet or not.
After we left, one of my friends scolded me for blowing the girl off, she had apparently asked him for advice on how to get my attention.
That I hadn’t noticed this was no surprise, but what did surprise me a little was, that I felt nothing. No desire to go back and find her, or sadness that I’d missed out on an opportunity, just a “Meh”.

So I’ve succeeded in the sense, that I apparently no longer care about girls. While it was my objective to care less about them and focus on other issues in my life, I had not expected to get so “far”.
On the note on other issues, I feel like I’m making progress, and in a couple of months, I’ll hopefully be my old healthy self again. The prospect of not being able to date, even if I should want to again, is however a bit frightening.

Old little memory

For some reason today, I recalled this memory today, from when I was young, maybe six or so.
I was giving the concept of marriage a lot of thought, and I found it really off putting, that at the end of the ceremony, you were supposed to kiss. I know it’s pretty common for children to find kissing disgusting, but I kinda feel that I’ve never outgrown this. I’ve never really fantasised about kissing anyone, or felt like I wanted to kiss someone. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I am like I am.

What’s next

Around six months ago, I decided that I didn’t want to be a virgin any more. While trying to achieve this, I realised that in truth I actually wanted a relationship instead. About four months ago, I made a deal with myself. Attempt to date with the goal of finding a relationship for three month, and then take a step back and evaluate. Now the three months have more than passed.

I honestly don’t know what to think. It turned out that dating was a lot harder, more stressful and much more time consuming than I ever imagined. I find that I don’t really have time for the things I used to do any more, and it doesn’t really feel like I get that much out of it. When I think back to the person I was six months ago, happy, carefree and easy going, I can hardly recognise myself any more. Instead of happy, I’m now plagued with mood swings, and I often end up in such a bad mood, that I don’t really feel like doing anything. While still happy from time to time, I’m a lot more sad than I used to be, and instead of easy going, I’m nervous and very careful. I’ve come to realise, that if I could choose between being the person I am now and the person I was six months ago, I would turn back time without giving it a second thought.
I’ve therefore stopped trying to date, and I will instead try to recover some of the things I feel I’ve lost. Maybe there is some kind of middle ground between being the person I was then and the person I am now, where I can use some of my experiences from the last six months, but I honestly don’t know. Maybe one day I’ll feel like trying to date again, but I kinda doubt it. I have the feeling, that maybe dating is just not for me.

I just feel it’s not worth it. I so easily get hurt by people, whether they are trying to hurt me or not, and in my current state, I don’t believe anyone would benefit from dating me. I don’t know if I’ll keep posting while doing this, time will tell. I still do wish that I could find someone and experience what a happy relationship feels like, but the cost is just too high for me sadly.

One thing that really gets me is, that sometimes simply things, like remembering a song lyric, triggers me, and I just start crying my eyes out. I don’t feel it’s right to try and bring anyone into this mess.

On a slightly less melancholic note, I’m still in contact with F, but we didn’t manage to meet before she left the country. At this point, it doesn’t really feel like we’re “dating”, but more like we’re friends. Who knows, maybe we’ll end up meeting each other one day.

On why I started this

Reading through my previous posts, I realised that I haven’t wrote about what triggered me to start writing things down. I’ll include an update on my current status in the end of this post.

Some time ago, I got the idea that the internet could be a good place for me to get more comfortable socialising. I ended up writing with a girl my age, let’s call her B. Rather early in the conversation, I told her that I have trust issues, especially towards women who I’m interested in, and also that I was a virgin. She seemed really understanding and I actually started opening a bit up.
She claimed to be a psychology student, and she seemed really set on showing me, that I could actually trust her. As things progressed, I actually started trusting her, and we talked about meeting. She lived not very far from me, and one day, she asked if I wanted to visit in a couple of days. I said yes, and we agreed to find out the time on the day.
The day arrived and I wrote and asked her at what time I should come over, and I got no response. We had mostly communicated using Skype, and about half an hour later I noticed, that she had blocked me the instant I wrote.
I think it’s only natural that I completely broke down because of this. I physically started shivering, and then I started crying like I haven’t done since I was a small child. I ended up in bed crying for 40 minutes. I can still feel the cold which hit me that day, and I’ve noticed that I’ve since been much more cynical. Being confirmed in such a way that I was right in not trusting people is hard.

At any rate, I feel this experience has made this entire dating thing much harder for me.

On to the update, the girl I’ve been writing with a lot, let’s also give her a name, F, since I keep referring to her anyway, and I still haven’t physically met. We were supposed to meet some days ago, but she got sick. Once again, I’m fighting my inner cynic in whether or not she’s lying to me.
On one hand, the story checks out, she had mentioned that she was tired the days up to, and I can’t really see why she would keep writing with me, I think we’re past 2000 messages at this point, if she has no interest in actually meeting me. On the other hand, it’s starting to get really fishy. For what it’s worth, we talked about meeting today, but I’ve already told her that it’s fine that she’s cancelling.

I really don’t know what to think of the situation. I would really like to meet her, but I’m starting to fear that we’ve both ended up building an image of each other which won’t hold up to the actual person.
We also sort of have a hard time limit, since in a couple of weeks, we will physically be very far apart for several months due to vacations and other stuff, and I’m starting to doubt that it’s smart meeting so shortly before we’ll have to break it off.
I feel quite emotionally invested, but I have no clue on how I will actually react if we end up meeting. I do however know, that if we keep our current situation going until then, I’ll end up in a kinda limbo state, which I really don’t want to spend my entire summer in, since this is pretty much the only time of year where I would actually be able to meet women physically.
Lastly, she flat out asked me if I was a virgin, which I confirmed. I don’t think I handled the confrontation very well, but she said it was a non issue for her. I find that rather hard to believe, and I do feel like our conversations have changed since. I’ve certainly become a lot more shy, which is probably not a good thing.

Additionally, I was contacted by another girl, E, on a dating site. We wrote a bit, and I feel like I kinda liked here but wasn’t really sure. She asked if I wanted to go on a date, which I said yes to. It felt kinda weird since I was writing with F at the same time, but I figured that people can’t really expect you only to write with one person, it’s not like I was physically seeing anyone. A day or so after, E asked me if I was writing with anyone else, and I told her that I was writing with F also. E thanked me for my honesty but said that she felt it was weird, and that I should chose one of them. I wrote to her, that in that case I would choose F, and that I was really sorry if she felt that I had been falsely leading her on. She hasn’t replied to that, and probably wont, so I guess she’s mad a me.
This scares me quite a lot, since I honestly don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong, and yet I’ve ended up hurting a person who seemed really nice. I’m starting to feel that dating is only good for hurting people, and maybe I’m just not cut out of this.